Goals Goals Goals!
How many times have I started,how many times have I ended up frustrated ashamed and feeling defeated. A lot a lot a lot!
I have had the usual obvious goals, to lose weight, to have money to have a boyfriend, to have…I have fasted I have been desperate, I have harmed, I have hated I have loved, I have hurt , I have made it worse..
My God! Goals have eaten my mind and drove me crazy more than 8 years and counting. The number of times I have sought Divine intervention failed , sought other means failed, nanananana…failed, of only I could tell you.
I will not go into the details of the failed diet, fasts and the ugliness of this situation but I will say this, I have been on fail-repeat process for a long long time.
I was aware of my body at a young age and highly compared it with the white models on tv. Then there were very few African beauties standards and hence I wanted to apply every make up that will give me a lighter complexion, I wanted to be a size zero. First frustrating fail
My second big fail came in high school after my first menstrual period, I added a lot of weight and I didn’t know it was just a normal part of adolescence. I tried fasting and sprinting during my free times but it would be so unhealthy and tiring I gained back double.
My third attempt in the University had better result but I couldn’t keep up with the routine. Fail-rinse-repeat .Many other attempts after that I felt frustrated and stopped it all together.
I don’t know where strength comes from..ok I know, but at my worst, last year (I had lost my job and the identity I knew and also felt rejected by guys) I picked myself up and registered with a local gym. I really had hit rock bottom and to know this, I would be walking and the next minute collapse because I had felt I had no strength at all in my body mind and spirit. I was a floating zombie living. But I overcame!
I was going to the gym daily except on the weekends, that was the only thing I was doing in life, i would walk all the way to the gym feeling some deep loneliness and emptiness and come back again the same route. After a month my bubbly me started emerging again slowly. I would like to say that at the gym I would definitely be chanting affirmations to myself as I hit the trendmill. And at the worst of my situation I nailed that goal. Imagine! My strength comes from the creator.
There are deeper issues I had to face first, I had to learn about self love at all times. I was an emotional eater and even if I had just emotional eaten to the point I couldn’t get up, I learnt how to forgive myself and start over again and in this I started opening up to listening to my moods, my anger, my frustration and where it was coming from and really deal with the underlying issue. Listening to my body and constantly asking myself how I was feeling enabled me to keep stock of what was happening internally and externally. This opened me up to a friendship and constant communication with me, the person I was neglecting most.
I would practice going to the mirror, looking at what I saw, although I couldn’t connect with who I was seeing, and say ‘I love you’. That was my edge. After those many fails I had to do it differently this time. I needed to love me first to get to the now me now . I needed love and accept me whether I was at my best or my worst,whether too fat too thin too ugly or too whatever, that person in the mirror needed to know that I love her and then I could get back to the work of failing and trying again and have no fear of getting back till it works.
The failing became less than the getting up and that is how I won because the getting up swallowed the failing. Do the math! My body became wow! W.O.W! That’s results now.
The process worked! It worked! I ate well, exercised, grew in power, joy, rest, clarity, forgiveness and getting back up. The love I gained for myself ,the compassion, the self esteem, the truest identity was worth it. I not only lost weight but gained so much more.
I live like a kid now ,I don’t work out, I PLAY.
check out dat ass!