For how long Lord?

This was on Saturday 17th.

I slept well yesterday night meaning I could feel the presence of God which makes my body to feel good like a baby but around morning part I saw a snake in my dream, which I was able to avoid, but then in the morning I was woken up by a text message on my phone. I shouldn’t have checked it before I did morning prayers.

It just got to me.

I felt tired physically and I got so frustrated with God and I just felt so distrupted I wonder what God wants with me. I didn’t like him anymore didn’t feel like praising him. It’s sad coz he is the only thing going on for me. ONLY thing.

I just wondered what is the point of prayer all those prayers I have made especially this month. I was just tired. Combined with the fact that I am relying on him from hand to mouth I felt sorrowful. I felt disappointed, frustrated and angry. I am tired.

Went outside to the roof top and read other WordPress posts from other writers for encouragement and excitement. It helped a little.

I wish God could take me out of this hand to mouth cycle, where I have to rely on him on day to day like really rely on him. Yesterday for example I had no money for food but he led me to call a person who sent me something. I don’t know about tomorrow. I have come far coz by now I would be all cries but seeing him coming through and through am not so afraid, but I hate it. It is such an uncomfortable place yet it has made me like a lion.

I want to pray that it ends but I want its benefit of being completely free and living in a miracle. To say the truth that is how Christians we were called to live. Walk on water. So today when I woke up, I was not feeling like walking this faith life. I don’t even now, but I want God to complete his good work in me. I really do and I am really curious to see what he is doing and I really want to see him, there is nothing compared to that. Seeing God. Also this is a chance/season of a life time that may never come back i.e living under this kind of grace. I can see it. But I hate it I don’t want it. That is the space I am in.

I took some breakfast and it helped. I wish I could totally surrender and enter into rest but gosh. Why Jesus why?

I was tired after seeing that message because it triggered other frustration and combined with menstruation I wanted to cry and cry for God to stop this.

I went to church for singing practice and I wanted to lash out at some people but I chose quietness and love. Being a Christian and the devil is not sleeping, and I don’t know what I am going to eat tomorrow…

I loved how I didn’t let offense get to me because I still got my breakthrough through choosing quietness and long suffering. I thought about it, argue with people or go through with it soberly. I chose the latter and got what I wanted when the devil saw I was not giving in.. Can you imagine how the devil would have won at getting me frustrated and depressed saying they hate me, they hate me. What a waste. It was only Jesus that I chose the good part, I cannot imagine the lie I would have mingled with when my light is shining, no wonder!

To say the truth that was the most reason I was angry in the morning.


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